i am so depressed/sad/angry/mad/confused right now.

the warped tour is tomorrow. im not going because it is "too far, and we really dont know victor." its so fucking bullshit because they said the same thing when i went to westminster, they said that i didnt know chris, and that it was way too far, but somehow i got to go because it was related to band.

right as my parents go out to have a nice night, we meet on the stairway and have the bs talk about why it is that i cannot go. i loved the moment when my mom referred to the warped tour as "that heavy metal music". the most horrible part is that its not just one parent who is against it, its both, they both fucking worry way too much about me. and it all blows because im not the fucking kid who is out there drinking beer and doing crack and then driving home.

but that is what it all seems to boil down to with them. driving. fuck driving man fuck driving. fuck maryland, fuck the dmv, fuck this county, yeah why the hell not, fuck my high school. i cant drive so fucking what. i mean, its not the end of the world. but every time that i want to go someplace over 10 miles away its the biggest fucking deal in the world to them. i dont understand it, and i never will.

and the great thing is that i know what it is, and so do they, but we are both keeping it from each other. they are afraid that im going to grow up, have independence, and be my own person. thats what they are really afraid of. because its like, i can see it now, oh shit, johns got a car, we better put some fucking hard ass restrictions on that too before he moves out so that he never enjoys any of his high school years.

my enjoyment of high school years ended in the 10th grade. i fucking hate school now. i could never understand when i was a freshman, how a senior could hate school soooo much and just despise everything that goes on there, but now, i understand completely. i like to think that because of all the moving that ive done, i have come full circle from the person that i was in florida. mysteriously i have made a 360 and the surroundings are unfamily and haunting. i did one full rotation and i ended up in somewhere completely foreign. somewhere, where the people dont understand you, what you stand for, who your friends are you were you come from. somewhere, where i live next to two major cities, one of the being of the capital, and not one fucking good band comes around.

and even if any good band did come around, i would never be able to see them. why? my parents wouldnt know the person that im drving with thoroughly enough to let me go. but that is fucking impossible for them to know them, because i really dont have any friends here when you look at it the right way. sure i can make friends, but does that mean that the ones that i have a are really mine? i dunno. my so called friends and i have marching band and dci in common with me. but they do not understand what makes me tick, how i work, what the hell i really fucking listen to. i doubt that any of them ever will. and thats why my parents hardly know and of these friends. we share a few common interests, but for the most part we are completely different in everything else that we do. would you really ever want to hang out with a person like this. someone you never knew.

it is at times like these that i cannot wait to get the fuck out of here. but it looks like ive fucked up my chances of doing that very badly by fucking up the other thing that i dont like about this state, my school. i have no school spirit. does it transfer into your gpa like all those fucking fat bastards in the office would like me to believe? no, fuck no, fuck them, fuck this, fuck that. no. no . and no.

i could be a hindu cow at one minute, and then a car crash at the next. maybe i need therapy. maybe i need mental help. but i dont think that theres anything wrong with me. i am just unhappy because i loath my surroundings. in time i will make enough of that damn thing that they call money to have an indefinite hiatus in europe somewhere with people that i dont know. a culture that is completely foreign to me. i could almost become anonymous. but it would never work. but thats ok, i dont mind a transcontinental phone call to catch up. hell, i might even miss a person or two, but i think that it would work out for the better.


i am just angry - let me cool down. then come talk to me.